Talking to Your Parent About the Past as an Adult

Know
Trying to talk to a parent about your childhood can be one of the hardest conversations to have.
Even when you're calm and respectful, it can feel like they shut down, deny, or deflect.

For many parents, hearing your experience feels like a personal failure. Instead of listening, they protect themselves from the shame or guilt it might bring up.

They might rewrite the past, minimize your pain, or say things like, “That’s not what happened,” or “You should be over that by now.”

But just because they can’t or won’t acknowledge it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Your pain is real. The impact is real. And healing doesn’t always require their permission.

Sometimes, the first step forward is naming what happened for yourself and letting go of the need to be validated by the person who hurt you.

Reflect
Take a few minutes to think about how this has played out in your own life:

• Have you ever tried to open up to a parent and felt dismissed or blamed instead of understood?
  Example: “You’re exaggerating.” “We did our best. You had a good childhood.”

• What did you hope they would say in that moment?

• What do you feel after those conversations — disappointed, angry, invisible?

• Have those experiences shaped how open you are with your parent today? Or how emotionally safe you feel around them?

Apply
If you're preparing for a conversation with your parent — or still processing one that left you hurt — here are a few ways to support yourself:

• Get clear on your intention. Are you hoping to reconnect, set a boundary, or speak your truth for your own healing?

• Use language that centers your experience, not their actions:
  “When I was a kid and that happened, I felt confused and alone. I’m not blaming you. I just want to be honest about what it was like for me.”

• Remind yourself that your story is valid, even if they deny it.

• If they become defensive or withdraw, try:
  “It’s okay if you’re not ready to talk about this. I needed to say it because it matters to me.”

You deserve to be heard, even if they aren’t capable of hearing you.
And you don’t have to keep carrying the weight of unspoken hurt.

If this felt close to home, Amari, Kinectin’s coach, is here to help you reflect on what came up and support you as you navigate your relationship.

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