The Silence That Pushes You Apart
When one of you shuts down during conflict, it creates distance. Learn how to spot it, name it, and reconnect with care.
Know
Shutting down during conflict might feel like protection. But it can quietly damage the relationship.
This pattern is called stonewalling. It's when one partner goes silent, avoids eye contact, or completely checks out.
It often means someone is emotionally overwhelmed. But to the other person, it can feel like rejection.
Over time, that silence builds a wall that keeps both people stuck and hurt.
Naming it is the first step to changing it.
Reflect
Use this quick self-check to explore how stonewalling may be showing up and what’s causing it:
Who tends to shut down when things get tense—you, your partner, or both?
Ex: “I shut down when I feel like I’m being blamed. My partner does it when the conversation gets too emotional.”
What usually triggers that response?
Ex: “When voices get louder, or I feel like no matter what I say, it’ll be wrong.”
What might be happening inside during the silence?
Ex: “My heart races, I can’t think clearly, and I just want it to stop. My partner probably feels the same.”
How does that silence impact your connection?
Ex: “It leaves both of us stuck, disconnected, and unresolved.”
Apply
Next time conflict escalates and one of you begins to shut down, try this:
If you’re the one shutting down:
Say, “I want to work through this, but I’m overwhelmed. Can we take 20 minutes and come back to it?”
If you’re the one being shut out:
Say, “I care about this conversation, and I’m okay with a break as long as we circle back.”
Then take the break and do something that calms your body.
Go for a walk. Breathe. Stretch. Listen to music. Write it out.
Let your body reset, and then return to the conversation ready to reconnect.
Stonewalling builds walls. Self-soothing builds bridges.
Let Amari help you recognize the signs and guide you back to connection.